I’m back: Be Afraid…..
Hola...been away (if anyone’s noticed) firstly traveling in a vain attempt to broaden my mind and then (horror) I succumbed to an orgiastic bout of binge-thinking.
I’m ok now, did the program at a secret celeb clinic and I’ve got a whole new life! Which means things are going to change: basically I want to change direction of this blog to reflect my own inner change. Obviously these two things will need explaining so I will give a brief taster here and then over-egg it completely in a series of posts entitled Why I have finally abandoned ‘esotericism’ or something vaguely similar.
While I am concocting these patented heat-seeking diatribes (which may well be very indiscreet about various ‘teachers’ - or perhaps not) I will post some unoriginal poetry and pictures ripped-off from elsewhere which will give subtle clues to my state of (non) mind before I bore/annoy/alienate everyone with the full horrendous truth. Or as near an approximation of truth as we can manage in the situation. Heh.
So there you have it: I am repudiating all forms of obscure ‘esotericism’ and ‘spirituality’ as complete and utter madness. And I feel great about it. Free in fact. Strangely, all this has to do with an insight I had in the Alhambra in Granada a few weeks ago - nothing much strange in that (except the Generalife did not look or feel like the Generalife anymore - it seemed dead and nothing special at all, nothing like it used to, just nothing) but the strange thing is that this was a realization of the truth of Christianity and specifically the meaning of the Crucifixion (well, it was Easter).
My problem with Christianity has always been that it promises everything I want - ie, to be ‘born-again’ (but to be really born-again in the sense of starting over with a clean slate and being from then onwards a whole new person not subject to the previous imperfections) but it just does not deliver. At best you get to be the same old sinner with a few vouchers for forgiveness. There is no fundamental change of being though there may well be one of belief, this is not good enough.
But I realized out there in the Alhambra that I had it wrong. You can actually start over and the Crucifixion IS a central key to this. Basically, I had been at war with the world for a long time. My involvement with esoteric matters was essentially a manifestation of this - a rejection of the way the world (apparently) is in favour of a ‘better’ - or, in spiritual terms, ‘more real’ - world. This attitude stemmed from a dissatisfaction with the world and a desire to ‘leave’ it - to ‘die’ in fact. Whether this was conceived literally or metaphorically (and it was both at times), it was the underlying conception which informed most of my actions and attitudes - almost a Freudian ‘death wish’ in the metaphorical sense in which he sometimes understood that term.
That was the first realization: that this was indeed the case. The second was that it had been solved and I didn’t have to struggle anymore to resolve it - especially now I knew what it was. This was my insight into Jesus’s death - he had indeed ‘died for us’ and we really don’t have to follow the path of rejecting the world and trying to kill/sublimate the self. He’s already done it for us - all we need to o is just live. That’s it. It’s that simple. Live and express the self. No need to deny life anymore at all.
Of course I don’t mean that I felt like heading to the nearest Church or ‘getting religious’ - that would be silly as Churches and religions are the epicentre of all life-denying activity and have been since day one - but it did lead me to a further observation (the one which I will detail in full gory detail under the ‘rejecting esotericism’ rubric): the teachers who collude with us in a diabolic pact to suppress the self are in fact what we might call an ‘antichrist’. Developing the self would be different but that’s the whole point - I just haven’t seen any offers of that. None. Just power-games, mind-games and kids-games.
So I’ve left the playing field.
I’ll probably go into greater depth on all this interminably and it undoubtedly won’t make sense to anyone else (nothing new there!) but I need to get it out before I can move on to more fruitful pastures. I’ve made major changes in my personal life too, perhaps the most radical is that I have abandoned my Phd thesis and am no longer a student or wannabe academic.
And it gets worse, obviously once I’ve finished burying this stage of my life I’ll have to find something else to talk about and so it’s going to have to be the thing I always claimed this blog would touch on but never got round to broaching: Magic(k)/.
Stay tuned!
Or not.
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